Taking the Sting out of Criticism

Let’s be honest. Nobody actually likes receiving criticism. The speaker Doug Fields wrote, “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, ‘You’ve got to have the skin of a rhino and the heart of a lamb…’ When I was younger I thought, Well, I definitely don’t have rhino skin…maybe I’ll grow thick skin over the years. Thirty years later, I still don’t have thick skin — criticism stings! I hate it.” 

The truth is, if we are going to grow, we need to be prepared to learn from criticism. If not, we will never grow beyond the mistakes we make. The New England writer, Ralph Waldo Emerson, wrote, “Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.” In a January 1939 interview, Winston Churchill remarked, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body; it calls attention to the development of an unhealthy state of things. If it is heeded in time, danger may be averted; if it is suppressed, a fatal distemper may develop.” And yet at the same time, the story goes that when Churchill was famously criticized by Lady Astor for being drunk, he replied, “I may be drunk, Madame, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober.” Clearly, he struggled with criticism, too.

There are some people who appear to be permanently primed to spontaneously correct others. Dale Carnegie wrote, “Any fool can criticize, complain and condemn — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” So, if you find yourself on the receiving end of the less-constructive kind of criticism, here are four suggestions that may help take the sting out: 

1. Pray and seek the Lord’s perspective. Prayer is not always the first place that I go, but eventually I get there! And when I do, it makes a profound difference. The Holy Spirit is very good at helping me distinguish the parts that I need to listen to (there is invariably something) and the parts I can lay at the foot of the Cross. And of course, in Jesus, we have a Savior who knows exactly what it is like to be on the receiving end of harsh and unjust criticism. Jesus Christ was put down by the religious leaders for not having the education they had, and when the truth He taught convicted them of being wrong, they criticized him and his family and followers even more.

2. Ask the Lord to give you His heart for the person who has criticized you. People in pain say things that they wish they had not. In other words, there are probably elements of brokenness and pain in a person’s life that may cause him (or her) to have broken patterns of communication with others. I was once wisely told, “Drew, there is always something you don’t know.” I have found that bearing this in mind helps when dislodging a verbal harpoon from your chest. It’s possible that what is aimed at you is not about you at all. Our harshest critic is probably no less kind to himself. You may well be someone’s misguided attempt to salve his own internal pain. Taking a moment to at least consider this possibility opens us up to the opportunity that we might also be that person’s help – and that can begin with prayer. 

3. Avoid the temptation to retaliate. We may not be able to stop someone’s careless words, but we can make a choice on how to respond. A little humility helps. A response along the lines of, “I really want to understand more fully what you are telling me, but it is difficult to hear and receive what you are saying when you speak to me that way,” could be the key to ushering in a little peace and understanding. We can also rely upon the Lord’s promise to take care of us. He is the God “who defends His people” (Isaiah 51:22, NIV). 

4. Find some wise and honest friends to talk it through with you. King Solomon wrote, “In an abundance of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14). When you feel under fire from an unduly critical source, the honest friendship around you to both affirm you and graciously point out where there may actually be a some truth in the criticism is very sobering. A circle of trusted friends will give you a more realistic echo of your virtues and faults. At the same time, avoid the temptation to speak about your critic with bitterness or blame. This won’t help your emotional health. Why add further fire power to what has already hurt you? I ask God to help me treat my critics with the love and respect that I would like to be treated with if I were being critical to others. 

5. Change the culture. Be an encourager! Solomon knew the power of encouragement when he wrote, “The right word spoken at the right time is as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl” (Proverbs 25:11, NCV). Mark Twain once famously said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment!” So, let’ change the culture. Let’s be proactive about honoring what is authentically good. The apostle Paul wrote, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8). After all, this is in our own self-interest. As Jean de La Bruyère pointed out, “The pleasure of criticizing takes away from us the pleasure of being moved by some very fine things.”  

So, as all of us faithfully but imperfectly endeavor to be salt and light, let me leave the final word to President Theodore Roosevelt: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again… if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”